We played fetch with an apple instead of a ball, and he was utterly thrilled

Home – Calais – Bayeux – a McDonald’s 

I was up at 5am, feeling very peculiar. I had been hypnotised the evening before to get off the electronic cigarette and nicotine lozenges. I felt utterly lost. Everything was packed, but the thought of attaching it all to the bike, in the dark, was more than I could bear. After a lot of moping around, and with surprising ease, everything was secured tight and I was good to go. My train was at 8:50am, but I left at 6am, because I like to arrive early.
It was a lovely balmy morning, with very little traffic, and I should have been having the time of my life, but I felt peculiar, the sat nav took me a completely random route, and I spent the journey chewing at the sides of my mouth in my helmet, in a state of panic. I cursed myself for listening to Radio 1 when I left home. Nick Grimshaw came on, about halfway into my journey, and I spent the rest of the time scowling and wondering just where I fit into this world.
At the Eurotunnel terminal, I bought a chai latte from Starbucks and stared at a couple of punk girls with shaved heads and pierced faces.
When I had prepared the bike I had forgotten to connect the power supply for the sat nav to the battery. I had to untie the bag to be able to remove the seat to do this. So I went to back outside and, crouching down, noticed a few drops of oil on the ground. The centre stand and the whole of the underside of the bike was covered in oil. The bike was on the centre stand so I checked the viewing window to see how much oil there was still in the engine. None.
If you are feeling peculiar because your body hasn’t had any nicotine for 12 hours for the first time in 20 years, this is probably the worst thing you could have happen to you, especially if your last bike trip ended because your bike just died.
I considered ending things right there, going home and lying in bed with the curtains drawn for 6 days. Instead, I went to the AA shop and was horrified to discover that, despite having a hundred different kinds of stickers that said “GB”, they only had two kinds of oil. I picked one of them, reasoning that the wrong kind of oil was better than no oil. I filled up the bike and figured, if I had to, I would just buy oil every time I stopped for petrol.
I was the only bike on the train. Sat on the floor alone, I considered how I really wasn’t looking forward to the day or enjoying myself at all. It was 14 hours since I had used my ecig or had any nicotine. I didn’t feel an overwhelming compulsion or need, but I was aware that I felt strange-different, particularly in my perception of time. I knew it was going to be different, but that was one of the reasons for the trip, five glorious days of zero pressure riding, camping outdoors, and being sulky and grumpy, alone.
It was apparent that I lacked sufficient distance for irony. Everything felt so immediate. On any other trip I could have run over a dog or something, and still seen the funny side. I was set for a humourless day.
France side, it was a pleasant temperature, the roads were good, the scenery was scenic, but it was all wasted on me. The sat nav said I had six hours left to go for about three hours straight. I cursed myself for giving myself such a stupidly long first day. Six hours to travel a couple of hundred miles seemed idiotic.
I lasted until about 1pm and then bought cigarettes. I hadn’t smoked cigarettes in over 3 years. I reasoned that trying to go cold turkey in a novel stressful situation was not conducive to success. I had not drank alcohol for a year, and a large part of how I was able to do that was the support I had received. Where was Mary now? I decided I would message Tracey and book more hypnosis for when I got back home.
This was what I thought about as I smoked that first cigarette, and then I felt faint and almost collapsed. I had to go back inside the tabac where I had bought the cigarettes to sit down and drink a Coke.  
Back on the road, my mouth felt pasty and sour tasting. I did, however, feel considerably better mentally, less mental etc.  
I stopped every so often, took some photos, urinated behind a hedge/tree. The six hours gradually counted down until I found myself at my campsite, at around 6pm.
The campsite was in the grounds of an old abbey that had been partially renovated as a hotel and the grounds behind were used for tents, camper vans etc. The campsitess did not speak English, but got around this by pretending that I spoke French, despite my mumbled “je ne comprends Francais”.
A chap with a camper van tried to speak to me when I returned to the bike, but I hurried quickly away. As is well known, camper van owners are all swingers .
I was disgusted to discover that the power supply for the pitch was a standard European two pin socket and not a three pin, as on the four socket extension lead I had brought with me. I had brought no european adaptors with me, aside from the one that came with my USB charger. This meant I could charge my phone, but not use the kettle I had brought, so no hot water bottle, hot drinks, pot noodle or porridge in the morning.
I swiftly pitched the tent, blew up the air bed, unrolled the sleeping bag, put everything inside the tent, and left on the bike for a Lidl to get something to eat.
The supermarket was due to close in 15 minutes and I bought French bread, laughing cow, some poisonous looking Haribou sweets, and a six pack of Coke Zero. The French didn’t even have alcohol free beer to aid my troubled situation.
I spent the evening in my sleeping bag eating sweets and watching episodes of “The Man in the High Castle”, downloaded from Amazon Prime, and fell asleep during the third one.
It was freezing cold during the night, but the new sleeping bag I had bought kept me warm. I was also saved by the compact torch/lantern that Mary had bought me for my birthday, particularly at 5am, when I went outside in pants, t-shirt and boots, to relieve myself against a bush.
When I woke up properly, it was an act of courage getting out of my sleeping bag and into clothes. I could tell it was a sunny day even from inside the tent, but it was also cold. I told myself that I was putting on my motorcycle costume, which I had ridden across countries in all weathers, and so there was no reason why I would be cold.
I ambled down to use the bathroom and picked up a Jack Russell (Jacques Russell?) on the way back. We played fetch with an apple instead of a ball, and he was utterly thrilled.  
Packing and dismantling the tent took no time at all (even with apple interruptions from my new friend).  
There was only 4 hours riding to be done today. I was feeling considerably better this morning, compared to the morning before.
I stopped at a pharmacy to buy nicotine patches to get me through the rest of the trip. This was not an ideal solution, but preferable to smoking cigarettes. There was also a bakery so I had a coffee as well.
My ETA for the next campsite was 2pm and I was supposed to be there from 4pm, so I rode slow and kept an eye out for a McDonald’s, which arrived an hour or so into my riding, and where I am now.

I said to Max, “How I failed my Yachtmaster.” “What?” he said. “I have the title now, if I do decide to turn the blog into a book.”

I woke up at 5:30 and showered.  It was exam day.  The other guys got up and I bumped into Brian on my way back from the bathroom later on.  “Take the boat around to the fuel pontoon.” he said to me and walked off.  After crashing before, it was nerve racking but I got us over there okay.  After we were topped up, he said “Right, take the boat back into the pontoon – let’s get rid of those demons.”


We came around just fine and then I managed to mess up the angle and we drifted across without steerage – he had to take over – and we were tied up.  “Right, take her out and then try it again.” he said.  “Do you mind if I don’t?” I said, “if I can’t do it again then I am finished, but if I can do it then that won’t make me think I can do it – I have nothing to gain.”  “Okay,” he said.


The other guys had a go and then he said we were going to go out and do some practice under sail on the river.  I asked him if I could go back to bed – I’d barely had any sleep and was in a really bad mood.  He said that was okay and so I lay down in the starboard aft cabin and listened to my mp3 player and didn’t sleep, but was able to relax for a bit.


I woke up just as we were sailing back to the marina.  Stan managed to drop a winch handle into the water and Max tacked around and sailed back to it and Stan picked it up in a bucket.  It was amazing.


Back inside the marina, Brian left the boat and told us to get it ready and so T, Max and I went to the Co-op to get some snacks for that evening.  We would be examined out sailing for twenty four hours, from 5pm that day through to 5pm Saturday.  When we got back they went and showered and I revised some of the diesel engine course.  Stan and Barry had tidied up the boat and when Max and T came back I scrubbed the decks.  Our crew member for the day showed up and he managed to end the first thing he said with “do you know what I mean?” which was a poor omen, surely?  We had a complete stranger crewing for us and so, as we knew nothing about him, we had decided that we weren’t going to actually let him do anything.  It would be worse for Stan and Barry the next day as they had two strangers sailing with them.  The guy we had was a bit odd.


The examiner arrived all too soon and he went through our log books and checked our various certificates.  He asked for one of us to volunteer to be first skipper and so I said I would do it.  T also said he would do it, and we all just kind of looked at each other and the examiner said “Well, come on, make a decision,” and so I said “I’ll do it,” and looked at T and said “if that’s alright?”  I was asked to sail us to a buoy on the opposite side of the estuary.  He said to motor around to Gillingham and then raise the sails.  I gave a safety briefing and didn’t include my “Have you ever been in a fire!?” line. I also forgot to mention where the first aid kit was.


The school’s other boat was berthed next to us and Sam was on deck watching me take the boat out.  If I screwed up taking the boat out, I would fail.  I had the stern and bow slipped and drifted forward into the forward spring which turned the stern out and I motored back slowly.  The bow was being blown across to the other boat and so I had to reverse out the entire way past all of the other boats.  We were drifting ever so slowly towards to the line of boats, I could see Max and T tensing up, but I ended up clearly all of them.  We came into the lock and I stopped the boat and we tied up.  I went down below and downed a couple of glasses of water because my throat was so dry.  We came out of the lock without incident and I motored us around the corner.  Max and T were looking at me as if to say “why are you not raising the sails?” and so I explained that he had told me not to.  We had been drilled so many times that you need to raise the sails as soon as possible.


At Gillingham Reach we raised sails and pottered along down the river, gybing, and it was all at a painfully slow pace.  No one was speaking, everyone was tense, and I was the most nervous I think I have ever been.  I asked T to take the helm and went below to check the chart.  I was told off for having someone else on the helm.  “You need to be at the helm for every tack and gybe, if you are skippering,” the examiner said.  This was contrary to all of our practicing and was another worry.


It was hours until we got out into the estuary and I just felt worse and worse.  As there wasn’t really anything to do, you just felt like everything you did do was being analysed and dissected by the examiner.  He asked me what my plan was and so I showed him and he suggested that I go down the channel instead of tacking across the estuary.


I changed my instructions to the helm and the examiner asked me for a course to steer for the buoy.  I went below and my mind went totally blank.  When you learn chart work, a course to steer is the third thing they teach you and I couldn’t remember how to do it.  When you have tide, you can’t just point at what you want to sail to, you have to come up with a heading which takes into account how and by how much the tidal stream will affect your boat’s track over the water.  I just kind of drew a triangle on the chart and the examiner was not happy.  “I know how to do this stuff,” I said to him, “I am just really nervous!”  He left me alone again and I just stood there and was so close to asking him if I could end the exam right there and then.  This was the worst I had felt during the last three months.  I was so used to not worrying about anything when I was skippering the boat, and I had nothing in me to deal with the nerves.  I was close to tears and, T told me later, “visibly shaking”.


Taking a deep breath, pulling myself together, and carrying on was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I did it.  I plotted the course, gave the heading to the helm and we were able to sail it with the wind direction.  There was a huge boat at anchor and we were creeping closer and closer to it.  I thought the buoy was behind the boat.  There was a buoy over to our starboard side and so I took a bearing of 035 degrees to it.  I went below and drew a line at 035 degrees from the buoy to our CTS and saw that it met.  I went back on deck and said to the examiner, “I think that’s the buoy.”  “Well, is it or not?  It’s no use thinking it is!”  “That was a figure of speech,” I said, “that is the buoy.”  “How did you get that?” he asked, “If you take a back bearing from that buoy behind us, you would know that was the buoy.”  I explained what I had done and then said “It’s called a rolling fix.”  “Very good.” He said.  When I had done my theory with Nomad Sailing School, the instructor had taught us rolling fixes – how to plot your position just using one thing and matching it to your ground track – he had said to us “It’s not something you need to know, but I think it’s quite fun.”  I should have used the bearing from the buoy behind, but I couldn’t think straight and by using that one thing I managed to save that exercise and seem a little bit like I knew what I was doing.


Next he asked Max to take us back to a mooring buoy in Queenborough for the night.  I was so relieved not to be skippering and kept on muttering to the others about how I had f**ked it and I had definitely failed.  Max had to take us back in the dark and the wind picked up and we had to reef the mainsail.  This was done in an ugly way but the examiner was down below and missed the whole thing.  There was another tense moment when the examiner called Max up on deck and asked him what was ahead of us.  “It’s the power station?” said Max.  “No, what’s that over there?” he asked.  “The VTS building?” said Max.  “No, in front of that.” He asked.  There was a huge ship at anchor ahead of us.  I could see it under the head sail because I was sat on the port side of the cockpit.  “Oh, a ship coming out that’s just been announced on the VTS?” asked Max.  The examiner kind of mutter a bit and went down below and we tacked around it.  Max was destroyed after that and he was convinced he’d failed as well.  I later learnt that he had just made up his course to steer and he hadn’t actually had time to do it.  We weren’t in danger at any time as we would have realised it was a boat at anchor before we hit it, and it wasn’t moving and so wouldn’t have hit us.  It just looked really, really bad and didn’t help Max’s nerves at all.  “Oh well, we’ve f**ked it now,” we said, “so maybe now we can relax?”


The examiner wasn’t fussed about seeing Max sail up to a buoy and so he just motored.  It was past midnight and so we didn’t bother eating anything.  T was given a buoy to sail to on the other side of the estuary in the morning and then to sail to anchor in Stangate Creek.  He stayed up late doing his pilotage and Max and I stood on deck at the bow dissecting just how bad things had gone.  T never got up in the mornings and slept all of the time and I didn’t fancy his chances in the morning.  To confirm this, when he went to bed, he asked me to wake him up.  It was past 1am when we went to sleep and I fell asleep immediately because I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.


I was up early and woke T up at 6:30am like he had asked.  He sat chewing cereal and asked me to do an engine check.  I panicked that the examiner would look over my shoulder and ask me questions about the motor which I would be able to answer but he didn’t seem to care.  I had worked out that Max and I had both skipper and T’s passage was probably twice what we had done and so we probably only had another turn each and that would be it.


We sailed off the mooring and across the estuary and found the buoy and then back to Stangate.  All through the passage the examiner was having us down below doing theory papers, one at a time.  I screwed another CTS, smashed an EP, smashed a secondary port calculation (for only the second time ever), and this carried on with each of us, our faces becoming darker and darker with each time we returned.  T smashed his man overboard, but the examiner didn’t seem impressed or unhappy.


I was then asked to sail off the anchor and take us around to Half Acre Creek.  This was a very narrow channel with a buoy at the end, it shallows to only just over a metre at the sides.  I remembered Stan doing this during the prep-week, but had paid no attention to how he had done it.  I worked out the bearings but wasn’t all that clear.  There was a man overboard during this passage and I turned the wrong way, like I always do, gybed (which you should never do) – but T saved me by hauling in the mainsheet so it looked like that was what I had meant to do.  An accidental gybe is an automatic fail.


I took over the helm and the wind died and I saw the depth falling off and called for a tack – just as we started tacking, the depth alarm went off, but I had turned us around just in time.  I went below and said to the examiner that I wasn’t happy with what he was asking me to do as the wind had died and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get us out, if I needed to.  He came up, looked around, and said “Just sail it, the tide will carry us in.”  I carried on, feeling out the depth, at about a knot.  After a few minutes he came up and said “Can you see the buoy?”  I said “Yes, to the right of that barge.”  He said, “Don’t you mean the left side?”  I looked around the sail and saw the buoy – I had been looking at the bow of a motor boat that was anchored.  I carried on, intending to leave the barge on my starboard side, but he said that he was happy for me to anchor anywhere around where we were.  I tacked, dropped the headsail, waited for us to come to a stop and then dropped the anchor.  Later, when I looked at the chart, I saw that if I had left the barge to starboard I would have run aground.  Brian had told us that if you set the depth alarm off then it is an automatic fail.  I was well and truly screwed.


Max then had to sail us and anchor just around the corner.  He had a man overboard and then the examiner asked him to pick up an object under sail.  He managed to run over the fender but, because the examiner wasn’t paying attention, I was able to pick it up when it popped up out of the water beside me.  After that, I stayed below and did theory papers.  He then asked us to motor to Gillingham Reach and do some more work with buoys.  I got caught down below again with theory papers and so didn’t do this either.  Before we knew it we were on our way back to the marina.


I was given one last Collision Regulations paper but I had nothing left to answer it with.  I was thoroughly exhausted.  I managed to answer all of the stand on and give way questions but couldn’t remember the night lights.  The paper was in black and white and so the lights just had an “r” or “w” to denote their colour and this just threw me.  I couldn’t remember the sound signals either.


He had T ferry glide us on to the waiting pontoon and then said that, as I had got us out of the marina, one of them would take us through the lock and the other would berth the boat.  Even though I had already failed, I was so relieved.  We tried to keep each other’s spirits up and just made a joke of the fact that we had all sailed so badly.  It was probably the worst we had ever been.


T forgot to raise the fenders for the lock but we blagged this.  While we were tied up waiting for the lock to empty, I said to Max, “How I failed my Yachtmaster.”  “What?” he said.  “I have the title now, if I do decide to turn the blog into a book.”


Max then took us back on to the berth.  There was no wind and he pulled it off.  This was the most difficult manoeuvre of the day.


As we tidied up the boat, he asked us to go and speak to him one at a time.  I went first.  He said that he was happy with my sailing, skippering and sail trim, but I had failed the Col Regs paper and he couldn’t, in good conscience, pass me for that.  He said that he would give me a “partial re-exam” which meant that I would just have to re-sit a Col Regs paper in the next 30 days and then he was happy.  I was in shock.  I wouldn’t have to sail again!


Max passed, T passed and then we passed the boat over to Barry and Stan and their crew for their exam.  We showered and shouted and laughed at each other over the cubicle walls.  Max had said I could stay at his brother’s that evening as I had been planning to stay at the marina and wait for Barry and Stan to come back but Brian wasn’t around and the sailing school was locked up.  We decided to go for one last beer at the “Ship and Trade” before we left.


In the pub, Max said, “What about our f**king passage plans?  He didn’t even ask to look at them?”  “I know!  And I reminded him as well!” said T.  “He told me not to worry about it!”  We all felt thoroughly deflated.  For all three of us, it was the worst we had sailed and yet we had all passed (we all agreed mine was actually a pass).  It was a hollow victory.  We had a pint each in disbelief.


I confessed to them that I had no idea what the different points of sail were.  They just both looked at me.  “When we were sailing up to the buoys on the first week and Brian kept saying – just sail up to the mooring buoy on a close reach, filling and spilling as you go – I had no idea what he was talking about and that was why I couldn’t do it.”  “Dude, there’s like four things,” said Max, “Close-hauled, close reach, beam reach and broad reach.  That’s it!”  “Oh,” I said, “that makes sense – I thought there was about seven…”


We went out in Canterbury that evening and got “pirate drunk”.








I took the boat into the lock and then into the finger berth. I managed to not stop in time and smacked the bow into the pontoon. Brian wasn’t happy. The exam was the next day.

Despite the late night, I still woke up at 6am.  I tried to revise a bit but instead thought it much funnier to go through my “RYA Yachtmaster” book and draw speech bubbles coming from everyones’ mouths saying “Do you know what I mean?”  I showed it to Max when he got up and, when he laughed, I said “What!?  That’s how people on boat’s talk!?”

Brian had a “migraine” and so he asked Stan to skipper and take us over to anchor for lunch off of Southend pier.  We kept ourselves entertained on deck by tagging “Do you know what I mean?” to everything we said, and just saying it on its own for absolutely no reason.  T went back to sleep.

When Brian got up, I said to Stan that he “was like a bear with a sore head” but, from his reaction, I don’t think they have that saying in Australia.  T kept asking whether it was “actually a migraine, and not a hangover, do you know what I mean?”

We had lunch and then we left and other people did some stuff and then we came back to the marina around 7pm.  I took the boat into the lock and then into the finger berth.  I managed to not stop in time and smacked the bow into the pontoon.  Brian wasn’t happy.  The exam was the next day.  “We can spend the morning doing boat handling tomorrow,” he said, and then walked away.

As we still had to finish our passage plans, we decided to go to the “all you can eat for £6 Chinese buffet” and pig out.  Following that we went on to the barge to finish up.  After a couple of hours, during which I had failed to write up my passage plan neatly and T had drawn up a sex lesson on the whiteboard, I gave up.  When I confused the lats with the longs on the chart I knew it was time to stop.  We would have some time to do it the following afternoon and so it would have to get done then.

Stan had gone to bed right after the meal, Barry had gone home, and T and Max left to shower.  I tried to sleep but, because I was on a couch in the saloon, I was kept up until after 1am.  It was not good.






I found that they sold “Tiger Beer” and so I bought a six pack which I drank walking back to the pub and then telephoned my mother, whilst downing bottles stood on the harbour wall, “like a pimp” (as we would say on the boat).

After we had got up and filled with water and left the marina again, we tied to a mooring buoy and had breakfast.  It was crunch time.  That evening we would go to the “free curry night” at the pub in Queenborough and Brian would debrief each of us and say whether he thought we should do the offshore or the coastal exam.


We sailed around, did some man overboards, some sailing on to buoys, some passages and pilotage, blind navigation.  It was my first time doing blind navigation and, after my success the day before, I found it just fine.  The sailing went quickly that day.


As we were coming into Queenborough, Brian told me to sail us on to a mooring buoy.  It was downwind, against tide, and so I knew I had to drop the main and doing it under the headsail.  “I’ve never picked up a buoy downwind before.” I said.  “Yes, you have!” said Brian, “you did it the other day!”  “Err, that was when I was at home because of my back…” I replied.  Brian said “just sail the f**king boat” or something similar.  The tide was just starting to ebb, and the wind was light and so I dropped the main sail and about half of the head sail.  I then dropped some more and pottered down to the buoy.  We were practically standing still – I could have crawled to the buoy quicker.  Brian was mumbling advice and I just said “I’ve got it.”  After a few minutes I dropped all of the headsail and let the boat’s momentum carry us through the tide, being slowed down further as we went along.  About five minutes later we stopped dead at the buoy and it was hooked and we were tied up.  “That was perfect!” said Brian – and that was the most impressed I have ever seen him about anything.  While we were down below making tea, he telephoned his wife to tell her.


When we were tied up at Queenborough, we all sat around in the saloon and filled in our log books with our days on board, mileage and night hours for the trip.  The requirement to be able to sit your yachtmaster was 2,500 miles.  I had 4,776 miles.  We struggled to remember who had skippered when, and even where we had been.  I had taken photos of the log book from the other boat and started to transcribe the pages.  Barry, it turned out, had worked it all out when we had our week off and so he saved us a lot of work.  I stayed on the boat and wrote up as much of my log as I could so that it would be one less thing to do when we got back.  I still had my passage plan to finalise.


I joined the other guys at the pub and Brian took me away for the first debrief.  “So, how do you think you are going?” he asked.  “I think I’ve definitely improved, but I’d like to have more time to revise my theory,” I said, “to feel like I know it as well as I used to.”  “You’ll never think you know it well enough,” he said, “because that’s the kind of guy you are.”  “If I fail, then I will be in a much better position for a re-take in October,” I said, “because then I will have all of the time to revise.”  “You’re going to pass on Friday,” he said, “you just have to be yourself and make sure you concentrate.”  We chatted for a bit after that and I felt strangely relieved at being told I was good enough, and at Brian’s seeming change in attitude.  He said that he had to be as tough as he had been over the past few days because it was the only way to get us to take the exam seriously and there wouldn’t be anything that came up that we hadn’t already done.


After we were done he asked me to send the next person in.  I just went and sat outside with the guys.  After a while he came and waved through the window at Max.  I said to Max as he was leaving “Make sure you tell him that I didn’t bother sending the next person in, because I thought it was funny that he was just sat in the beer garden by himself, like a loser.”


T and I then walked to the service station.  I found that they sold “Tiger Beer” and so I bought a six pack which I drank walking back to the pub and then telephoned my mother, whilst downing bottles stood on the harbour wall, “like a pimp” (as we would say on the boat).


Back in the pub, post-phone call, everyone was pretty far gone.  There was music and dancing and even Brian and I had a little dance together, it was touching.  We returned to the boat and there was some kind of altercation between Brian and Max and then Brian and a guy on a fishing boat tied up in front of us.  I didn’t follow what was going on at the time (I kept falling over), and couldn’t understand it when it was explained to me afterwards and so I went to sleep.







“We’ll probably f**king run aground, when we get to low water.” said Brian. This was the second time that T had skippered and we’d ended up aground.

Our “early start” wasn’t as early as we had thought.  Max skippered us from Stangate to Queenborough and we tried some buoys there.  We messed around a bit and then Brian had Max sail us on to the all tide landing.  This was not something we would have to do during the exam, but Brian still wanted him to do it.  It is kind of nerve racking doing this under motor – ferry gliding the boat across the tide, filling and spilling the sail to maintain the transit – but Max nailed it.  As I had skippered first the day before, and T still hadn’t, I figured I was good until at least that evening.  Instead, Brian have me some coordinates in the estuary and told me to sail the boat there.  I was p***ed.  While T and Max and Barry, and Brian separately, went ashore to go to the shop, I stayed and plotted bearings to buoys around my target – which was just a patch of water.

After lunch, he asked me to sail us off the pontoon, which I did.  It was a lot easier than I had thought.  Again, we were all in low spirits and it was tiresome. Part way into the estuary, we lost the wind and so had to motor.  Finding the spot was easy.  I had a buoy behind the boat to take a back bearing off, a buoy to the port side to take a bearing off, and the patch of water I was going to was shallower and so I had the depth sounder as well.  The instruments give you your COG and so I looked at that when I was on the back bearing and then stuck to that COG.  When Barry, who had the hand bearing compass, let me know that the port side buoy was on the right bearing I stopped the boat.  I asked T to write down the coordinates from the GPS and compared these against what Brian had asked for – they were pretty much spot on.  I was happy.

T then skippered us back to the marina.  We were supposed to be out until Wednesday, but we had forgotten to top up the water and so had to go back.  When we approached the marina we realised that there wasn’t sufficient tide to allow the boat to make it over the concrete sill of the lock and so we tied up on the waiting pontoon outside.  “We’ll probably f**king run aground, when we get to low water.” said Brian.  This was the second time that T had skippered and we’d ended up aground.

We went and showered and felt better for it.  We would have to be up early, to get the boat inside the marina, top up the water, and then come out again, before the tide dropped off again.  In spite of this, I was feeling good.  I had turned a corner that day and knew that, whilst I wouldn’t choose to sail at that level of intensity, it was good for me and I was certainly taking it seriously and improving.






It was a pencil drawing of Barry in diving gear, patting the head of Brian, who he had rendered as a strange cat/lion beast. I was almost sick from laughing.

We went out first thing on the Monday and sailed, taking it in turns to skipper the boat for short little passages, whilst being heckled by Brian.  I can’t remember who did what, but it was all pretty miserable.  I think I went first, I gave a safety briefing which started “Have you ever been in a fire!?” and I looked around at each person in turn and then said “Well, fires aren’t fun and so we tried to avoid them on a boat…” and on and on.  Brian heckled me the whole way through.  There was a following wind and progress was slow, gybing down the Medway.  At some stage, someone else took over.  Max wanted to swap his exam from Saturday to Friday with either Stan or I, and I had refused, and so Stan agreed to swap.  The exam on Friday was going to be me, Max and T.


We were going to be out all night and, as the exam would be over night, we all needed to practice our night sailing.


As soon as you are not skippering, the pressure is off.  There isn’t actually any pressure in being in charge of the boat, all of the stress just comes from the presence of the instructor.  Brian said that he was going to “take a step back”, but couldn’t manage to stem the tide of criticism.  When you are not skippering you can just slack off and do what comes naturally in sailing the boat.  Stan skippered a passage down the Swale.  We had to wait for 45 minutes for the bridge to be lifted – they were waiting for a large ship and were going to open for them, and then we could follow.  Bridge open and boat followed, and then we were on our way.  Brian wanted us to sail up and tie on to a mooring buoy.  T went first and kept coming in too fast.  After a number of failed attempts, Brian pointed out that we were doing it on the wrong tack and that we did not have enough power sailing to windward against such a strong ebb tide on just the mainsail.  I had a go and nailed it on the wrong tack and then tacked around and nailed it on the right tack, both on jut the mainsail.  There was some contention with T as to whether or not I had used the engine.  The engine was on and was in neutral and I had touched the stick a couple of times to make sure it was still in neutral.  I don’t think I used the engine.


Brian went below and we took it in turns, over and over again, to get to the buoy.  I had it a few times again, but Barry at the bow with the line, made no effort to throw the loop and so we just drifted back.  “Dude, you would have had it that time.” said Max, each time.  Brian came on deck and asked me if I’d got it yet and I said no, and he said “Keep going, you’ll have to get it first time in the exam.”  We carried on taking turns, until we had all got it and it had actually been hooked.


Barry, I think, then skippered for a trip across the estuary and then back to Stangate Creek.  He made short work of it as he lived around there and knew what and where everything was without even looking at a chart.  By the time we were coming back it was pushing midnight.  We were all tired out and T was getting frustrated.  It had gotten cold on deck and we were all feeling the strain.  He went below and I came down about fifteen minutes later to find him sat at the chart table, arms shielding a piece of paper, and concentrating intensely.  As I got closer, he looked up, saw it was me, and revealed what he had been doing.  It was a pencil drawing of Barry in diving gear, patting the head of Brian, who he had rendered as a strange cat/lion beast.  I was almost sick from laughing.


We anchored in Stangate and went to sleep.  Brian said it would be an early start.  We had been sailing for twenty hours by that time.








Days on end of sailing with no peace and no privacy is not what I needed. I was interested to see if, and how, I would cope.

I was up at 6am and straight in the shower.  My back was stiff and when I got back I had to take painkillers.  Stan was up soon after and went for a shower himself.  Just before he left he gave me an article from the Guardian the day before, where different writers discuss the concept of “failure”.  There was Margaret Atwood, Julian Barnes, Will Self, Lionel Shriver and some others.  I read this and then did the washing up from the night before.  I was listening to my mp3 player as I did this but had to stop as Barry arrived.  Stan came back and then Brian arrived.


We got the boat ready and then Brian came on deck to say that he had heard from Max and T that they had broken down car problems again and would not be arriving until after lunch.  “Well, we’re not going to let them spoil our f**king day,” said Brian, “they can work on their passage plans and we’ll come back around five o’clock.”  Stan took us away from the berth by motoring on to a forward spring.  He also took us into the lock, came in too fast, and knocked the hull against the pontoon.  While we were in the lock I asked Brian “So, is five days enough time for me to learn how to sail?”  “Don’t f**king wind me up,” he said, “not today”.   Outside the lock we raised the mainsail, with two reefs, and then the jib.  There was a yacht race going on and we were having to dodge the boats and Brian laughed as he realised that the next weekend, when we had our exams, was a “sailing marathon” and that we would be in the mix all day.  “You’d best read up on your Col Regs boys.” he said.


Stan took us down the river and took all of Brian’s criticism along the way.  All around us boats were flying spinnakers and broaching and it was mania.  We rounded a buoy at Sharfleet and then I took us back.  As we came around the corner to the marina, I gybed and took us back again, because we had hit the “Admiral’s Procession” – which was when all of the motor cruisers from a yacht club in Rochester all motor along in a tight long group– and it was a total pain to have to think about wind angles and gybing in a narrow river with a hundred motor boats behind you. I handled it well, I feel.  We hit boats coming at us in the side of the channel and, as we were on port tack a lot of the time, I had to negotiate giving way to them as well as avoiding all of the motor boats behind me.


Brian told us that the people and days had been set for the exams.  It would be T, Stan and I on the Friday and then Max and Barry on the Saturday.  There were advantages to either day – if you did it on the Friday, you got it out the way, but if you did it on the Saturday then you had extra time to revise, but it was a whole day to stress, if you were inclined to stressing.


When we got into open water Brian decided to do a man overboard and this involved a lot of confusion as he was telling me to motor and to sail to collect them.  If he had been clear in what he was asking me to do then it wouldn’t have been a problem, but I spent most of the approach not sure what I was supposed to be doing.  He told me I needed to be quicker in what I was doing and I said it was very difficult to concentrate on what you are doing and paying attention to someone giving you contradictory instructions at the same time.  I smashed it the next couple of times, hit the person with the bow the second time – Brian said “They’ve gone under the boat, you’ve just killed them,” and so I said “Shall I reverse over them?”  I smashed it once more and then Stan had a go and nailed it.


He then took us to Stangate Creek, anchored under sail, and we stopped for a lunch of sandwiches.  We were all pretty wiped out.  I pointed out that Barry had stolen my role and managed to do nothing all morning.  As a result, he then had to take us back to the marina.  As we got out of the creek, Brian said that a heavy fog had come down and we had poor visibility.  Barry then had to go below and do blind navigation.  I said to Brian that it was a bit unfair having someone who couldn’t hear also having to be blind as well.  We dropped the sails and motored in the shallows, following contour lines and buoy hopping.  Barry was really good at it and seemed to enjoy it.


When we returned to the marina it was a strong ebb tide and Stan took us back in.  When we were inside the lock, T and Max appeared and we chatted to them for a bit, from the boat to the ledge by the marina office above us where they were stood.  Stan took us back into our berth, rigged a forward spring and then motored into this and turned to port to keep the stern from being blown off.  We tidied up the boat and then ate a dinner of bacon and pork and pasta which Brian had prepared while we were motoring back.


While we were eating, Max and T arrived but they didn’t have anything as they had already eaten.  They left for the barge to finish off their passage plans.  After Stan and I had washed and dried, we walked to the Co-op so Stan could buy some “treats” for the coming few days.  The plan was to leave first thing in the morning and to stay out until Wednesday.  I went for the walk but didn’t get anything myself.


We joined the others at the barge and worked on our passage plans as well.  There wasn’t a lot I could do as Barry had the chart tied up and Max, and then T, were using the tidal stream atlas.  After an hour or so, Sam appeared and said he had received a text from Brian asking him to stop by the barge and let us know that we could “take a break until Wednesday if we wanted?”  This confused all of us – were we being offered some days off? – and then a phone call by Stan later revealed that he had meant a break from the passage plans.  Max borrowed my jacket to go outside and smoke because it was raining and did an impression of my limping gait which delighted the others – strangely, I didn’t actually spot that he was walking funny.


At some point T realised that we could watch a movie on the OHP in the barge and so he had me transfer “Ironman 3” and “Leon” from my computer to his, even though it was almost 10pm.  As he was readying the movie, T asked me if I had seen “300”.  “I have seen every film.” I told him.  “Yeah, but have you seen 300?” he asked.  “I have seen every film.” I repeated.  “You know the cripple?” he asked, and starting limping and lurching around, and saying “Mother!  Mother!” in the voice of the disfigured hunchback failed Spartan who betrayed the Spartans and showed the creepy seven foot tall king of the baddies how to get behind the Spartans so they all died.


Sam came back before we got the movie started and he offered us some tips with what the examiner had looked for in the passage plan during his exam.  I think everyone felt better from his input.  Brian then came back as well.  He seemed to take offence that I was typing up my blog and so asked me if I had finished my plan and I replied, truthfully, that all I had to do was re-write it so that it was legible.  He started to try and say that there was a class on in the barge on Wednesday and so I should get it done now and I said “So we don’t have time to do it on Wednesday now?” and he said “Yes, there’ll be some time in the evening,” and so I asked what the problem was.


It had been a long tiring day, made worse by my stiff back, and by my refusal to allow it to stop me from doing anything – sweating the halyards, hauling the lines ashore, going to the bow for the sail drop – I was happy that it was on the mend and I was heeding the chiropractor’s advice to “keep active”.  My drug habit was now limited to the morning and I should be happy, but I wasn’t.  The thought of spending the next three days sailing and at anchor was not at all appealing.  We would be back on Wednesday afternoon for a shower, to complete the passage plans, and then back out again until Friday lunchtime, and then the exam would be at 5pm Friday.  The next week would require stealth mode on the blog as there was simply going to be no time to write.  The thought of not writing scared me a little.


The past few months had made me realise that, whilst I loved being around the guys, felt at home, and was a happy team member, I needed space.  I needed a bit of time to myself – whether it was sleeping offwatch, writing my blog, going for a walk – whatever.  Days on end of sailing with no peace and no privacy is not what I needed.  I was interested to see if, and how, I would cope.